Change

We are all afraid of change in our lives. I was scared about the change when my daughter was born. I was scared about the change when I moved to my current job. I am scared of what the future may hold for me.

We are all scared about something changing our lives, whether it be for the better or worse. Change is inevitable.

Now this is where it gets tricky. I want to change. I want to change aspects of my life for the better, but I fear change as well.

I fear that these changes should have been made long ago. I fear that I will be happier and regret not making these changes long ago. I fear change.

So how do I go about making these changes and face my fears? That is the all-important question.

Some would say that I should just go ahead and make the changes and face the outcomes (good or bad). But I fear change. Why do I want to venture into the unknown, even if the outcome is good?

That is my biggest struggle at this moment of life. There are things I want to change, but I can’t bring myself to change them because I fear the unknown. I fear being happier (or sadder), I fear good outcomes.

Why do I have this irrational fear about good coming from change? I would like to know. I’m sure that some others would like to know. But the easiest outcome is to just bury my head in the sand and let change pass me by without facing up to the fears that it brings along.

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Comparisons, my Death Knell

Comparisons will be my death knell. They hold me back from achieving what I feel I need to do. I compare myself to celebrities, I compare myself to people I know personally, I compare myself to people I have never met, I compare myself to people I will never know.

I am always comparing myself to those around me and always knocking myself down a notch (or three) off the ladder I am trying to climb. My comparisons lead me to doubt my own abilities and when people tell me I am doing a great job, I dismiss their comments as lies they make to help me feel better about myself.

I doubt all the good things in my life, no matter whether they come from within or external. I am very good at it.

I would love to change the way that my mind thinks. I would love to flick a switch and feel that everything is “A-OK” and that I am as good as people say that I am. I just wish it was that simple.

I have seen a psychologist a few years ago about these sorts of things, and of course, the easy solution is always the one shared first, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or CBT for short.

While I understand the idea behind CBT, it isn’t exactly the easiest behaviour to change. I have thought this way practically since I became the engineer that I am, and I always second guess myself. I feel stuck in this eternal downward spiral, and each day it feels impossible to climb out of.

I have seen tools and skills that supposedly help with forming new habits, which is what I need to do. This habit isn’t a physical habit that many people associate habits with. This is a habit that is internal, and with limited opportunities to physically see change. Some would say that behaviour is one way of seeing change, but it is hard to see change when I am critical of myself and what I do.

This is the biggest challenge in my life, and I suspect that changing this one negative habit would see positive change in my life. I just feel that I can’t climb out of this hole, it feels like the walls are made from glass and no matter what I do, the hole gets deeper and deeper.

Worries

One thing that I am reminded of recently is that no matter how much I worry about I have no control over the outcome, and that is the Federal Election of Australia. I am one person out of millions registered to vote, and while I am privileged to have a say in who runs the country, I am a tiny percentage and my solitary vote will not decide the final outcome. So it feels safe to say that I will have next to no control over the outcome, although the outcome will affect my future.

So when it comes to me worrying about the outcome of the federal election in Australia, there is really no point in me worrying because I have next to no control over how it will affect me. Whether the party I want to run the country gets in or not, I am still bound by the ruling party and have no say in what they choose to do with their power. All I can do is sit back and take a ride while the politicians sort themselves out and rule the country in the way that they see fit.

The reasoning behind it comes from my reading of F*ck Feelings by Michael & Sarah Bennett. They share that it is not necessarily worth worrying about things you can not control. I certainly do not have any control over the outcome of a nationwide election, so why should I waste energy worrying about it?

Sure I can worry about the outcome, but is it worth my time? Probably not. I would just be wasting time and energy on something that I have little impact over, when I could be using that energy into doing something good for myself, my family or the people around me. No point wasting energy on “spilt milk” so to say.

So while I may talk about the outcome with friends, I am not worried by it because it is what it is and I have no control over what happens next. I will be focusing my efforts and energy into things I can control and that is doing a good job at work to make the clients happy with the products we deliver. Provided I can do that satisfactorily, I will make sure that I have a job, and that is something I do have control over.