We are all afraid of change in our lives. I was scared about the change when my daughter was born. I was scared about the change when I moved to my current job. I am scared of what the future may hold for me.

We are all scared about something changing our lives, whether it be for the better or worse. Change is inevitable.

Now this is where it gets tricky. I want to change. I want to change aspects of my life for the better, but I fear change as well.

I fear that these changes should have been made long ago. I fear that I will be happier and regret not making these changes long ago. I fear change.

So how do I go about making these changes and face my fears? That is the all-important question.

Some would say that I should just go ahead and make the changes and face the outcomes (good or bad). But I fear change. Why do I want to venture into the unknown, even if the outcome is good?

That is my biggest struggle at this moment of life. There are things I want to change, but I can’t bring myself to change them because I fear the unknown. I fear being happier (or sadder), I fear good outcomes.

Why do I have this irrational fear about good coming from change? I would like to know. I’m sure that some others would like to know. But the easiest outcome is to just bury my head in the sand and let change pass me by without facing up to the fears that it brings along.


Comparisons, my Death Knell

Comparisons will be my death knell. They hold me back from achieving what I feel I need to do. I compare myself to celebrities, I compare myself to people I know personally, I compare myself to people I have never met, I compare myself to people I will never know.

I am always comparing myself to those around me and always knocking myself down a notch (or three) off the ladder I am trying to climb. My comparisons lead me to doubt my own abilities and when people tell me I am doing a great job, I dismiss their comments as lies they make to help me feel better about myself.

I doubt all the good things in my life, no matter whether they come from within or external. I am very good at it.

I would love to change the way that my mind thinks. I would love to flick a switch and feel that everything is “A-OK” and that I am as good as people say that I am. I just wish it was that simple.

I have seen a psychologist a few years ago about these sorts of things, and of course, the easy solution is always the one shared first, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or CBT for short.

While I understand the idea behind CBT, it isn’t exactly the easiest behaviour to change. I have thought this way practically since I became the engineer that I am, and I always second guess myself. I feel stuck in this eternal downward spiral, and each day it feels impossible to climb out of.

I have seen tools and skills that supposedly help with forming new habits, which is what I need to do. This habit isn’t a physical habit that many people associate habits with. This is a habit that is internal, and with limited opportunities to physically see change. Some would say that behaviour is one way of seeing change, but it is hard to see change when I am critical of myself and what I do.

This is the biggest challenge in my life, and I suspect that changing this one negative habit would see positive change in my life. I just feel that I can’t climb out of this hole, it feels like the walls are made from glass and no matter what I do, the hole gets deeper and deeper.

Building with my Hands

I have a desire, a desire to build something with my hands.

I am not sure whether you are aware but I work in an office, at a computer, designing stormwater drainage. I rarely use my hands for anything other can typing or writing notes. I feel a desire to be doing something with my hands.

My search for improvement has lead me down some interesting paths. One website I came across shared the idea that we still have our primitive tendencies even in a modern world. We have a desire to create objects and tools, and use those objects and tools as implements to help us. The following is a large quote from an Art of Manliness post about male depression.

Mood scientists suggest that the evolutionary origin of depression may explain why rates of it have increased tenfold in the last 100 years. Our bodies, minds, and mood systems evolved for an environment that no longer exists today, and this mismatch is likely making more and more people feel miserable.


In contrast, modern folk are sleep-deprived, sedentary, and rarely venture outside their fluorescent-lit cubicles. Crucially, we people of the 21st century are also highly isolated. Ancient tribesmen were part of close-knit communities; today we exist as fragmented individuals who often must bear life’s disappointments and setbacks on our own. In our lonely echo chambers, with our primary focus on the self, waves of melancholy become magnified many times over.

Art of Manliness

It seems that technology and changes in how we live and work in the world have evolved in ways that our bodies and minds have not been able to adapt with. While the article primarily links the mind to this, I feel that this also applies to us in terms of physical labour. We were designed to create physical objects, rather than numbers and “objects” on computer screens.

While I am not going to re-invent the hammer or spanner, I feel that it would be nice to use these kinds of tools to make something with my hands. Now my problem is that while these tools can create lots of things, the cost of purchasing these tools can be prohibitive, especially for something you don’t know if you will stick with it.

This is where I have come to a crossroads. Do we fork out money on things that I may grow tired of a few short weeks after purchasing them? Or do I just sit back and ponder the idea and never do anything about it? That is the question of the day.

So this is where I wonder if I can find a hobby where I use my hands regularly, to get back to what seems like primitive humanity, or I continue on my journey in a pure, mental only thinking. I think it may be time to try something new.

Gratitude Monthly – July 2016

I have previously talked about sharing a list of my gratitudes I have journaled throughout the previous month. This is the first time I am doing so and plan to make this a regular feature here on Unravelling my Life to inspire you to create your own lists.
In July I was/am grateful for:
+ My wife and daughter
+ The roof over our head
+ Eye opening blog posts
+ Great food experiences from great chefs
+ The opportunity to have a job even though there are days I want to stay in bed
+ Books that reveal truths

There are many more things that I am grateful for, often things that I do not necessarily realise. Journalling has opened these up without me realising some of them existed.

Gratitude Monthly will return next month, with a new list of things I am grateful for.