Comparisons, my Death Knell

Comparisons will be my death knell. They hold me back from achieving what I feel I need to do. I compare myself to celebrities, I compare myself to people I know personally, I compare myself to people I have never met, I compare myself to people I will never know.

I am always comparing myself to those around me and always knocking myself down a notch (or three) off the ladder I am trying to climb. My comparisons lead me to doubt my own abilities and when people tell me I am doing a great job, I dismiss their comments as lies they make to help me feel better about myself.

I doubt all the good things in my life, no matter whether they come from within or external. I am very good at it.

I would love to change the way that my mind thinks. I would love to flick a switch and feel that everything is “A-OK” and that I am as good as people say that I am. I just wish it was that simple.

I have seen a psychologist a few years ago about these sorts of things, and of course, the easy solution is always the one shared first, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or CBT for short.

While I understand the idea behind CBT, it isn’t exactly the easiest behaviour to change. I have thought this way practically since I became the engineer that I am, and I always second guess myself. I feel stuck in this eternal downward spiral, and each day it feels impossible to climb out of.

I have seen tools and skills that supposedly help with forming new habits, which is what I need to do. This habit isn’t a physical habit that many people associate habits with. This is a habit that is internal, and with limited opportunities to physically see change. Some would say that behaviour is one way of seeing change, but it is hard to see change when I am critical of myself and what I do.

This is the biggest challenge in my life, and I suspect that changing this one negative habit would see positive change in my life. I just feel that I can’t climb out of this hole, it feels like the walls are made from glass and no matter what I do, the hole gets deeper and deeper.

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